It was an uneventful school pickup. We made it home unscathed, no tales of best friend woes, no trips or falls and no tantrums from small boy wanting to escape the buggy. We successfully ran the gauntlet of the ice cream van who shamelessly loiters by school and we even spent an enjoyable half an hour in the park en route home. So far, so good.
Daughter hurtled inside, shouting “I need a wee!” She HATES the school toilets so tries not to use them. They are pretty rank: picture the worst public loos you can, then just imagine small children using them largely unsupervised all day. Exactly. Daughter tells me they are smelly, nobody ever flushes and there is never any toilet roll. You can see her point. So, the poor soul will often go all day without weeing.
Now, our downstairs bathroom has a lock on the outside, a relic from when it was in fact the understairs cupboard, before becoming a state-of-the-art teeny tiny saniflo.
Daughter is unable to open the door in time.
She pees all over the floor.
I do what any loving and understanding mother would do, which is to scream “STOP WEEING! JUST! STOP! WEEING! Why can’t you STOP WEEING!!!”
We look at each other in horror as it cascades down her legs, hitting the
expensive wooden floor laminate in thunderous torrents. She wees for what feels like forever. How can a seven year old child contain so much wee? Does she have a pelvic floor of steel? A bladder the size of a football? I stand watching helplessly, wondering when on earth it will stop. A small lake is shimmering on the hall floor.
Small boy, meanwhile, runs to see what all the commotion is about. In perfect slow motion, he glides through the enormous puddle of still steaming pee. He flails and crashes down on his back. He is soaked, even his hair is dripping. FML, is this really happening?!!!!
By now, both kids are crying. I mop up the wee with about 26 kitchen rolls. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD IT IS STILL WARM. Is this superhuman wee? I must tell her never to wee in a wetsuit, she may boil herself alive.
Both children were immediately thrown into the bath and I toyed with the idea of pretending it was in fact bed time. There will be no cooking tonight